Monday, January 11, 2016

The Stream and Mr. Chicken

For a while now I've been toying with the idea of setting up a live Twitch stream of my gaming habits and, alternately, my music screw-aroundary. This is mostly inspired by Eve streamers, and was kind of solidified when CCP ran a live stream of one of their sound artists composing in real time. I've just kind of been trying to get out of my own way since then.

Truth be told, I've always had massive stage fright. When I was doing vocals in death metal bands, before every show you could find me paying homage to the porcelain throne. My band mates all knew the closer it was to stage time, the more I just needed to be left alone. Once I actually got on stage and the music hit, I'd be fine, but until then I was an absolute wreck. I've never understood why it happens to me. It's not that I'm worried about things like criticism or embarassment. And I legitimately don't like this aspect of myself. But for whatever reason, I just get terrified by the idea of people watching me.

Like I said, I don't like that about me, and I've gone out of my way to push that boundry. I originally tried being a frontman to get over it. I tried my hand at acting a few times because I wanted to prove I could. I've done open mic nights in comedy clubs (and bombed, miserably). I ran for political office. Shit, I've even sunk so low as to do karaoke. Every single time, I was just a shivering little ball of fear beforehand. Comparatively, you'd think streaming would be less nerveracking, but it's kind of bringing the stage fright home. Everything I've done before has been something I've gone OUT and done. Home has been "safe", you know? So I guess that's probably the challenge here, and probably the reason I'm drawn to it.

I know everyone has their own mental crap that they have to deal with, and most gamers play in order to relax or escape their normal stress and anxieties. I just kind of wanted to point out that using things you enjoy to confront things you don't can work out in unexpected ways. I never thought of using video games to take on stage fright before, but this post is me telling myself that I'm going to do it. And yes, the idea is giving me fits and I can't stop worrying about it. But I'm going to get over it.

Damn it.

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